Baby things are attacking my house!

Before Madison came, I focused a lot of my time into trying to make our 650 sq ft apartment a liveable space. Organizing everything, decluttering, trying to find space for all our things, wondering why we have so many things… My grandparents lived in this apartment with my dad their whole lives! And from pictures I’ve seen, they had plenty of space for all their stuff.

Why do we feel so cramped then?

I guess computers, tv’s, video game consoles, and more things to plug in contribute some to our problems.

We just seem to have so much stuff, but when I try to eliminate things, I realize we use pretty much everything we have.

Then our daughter was born, and the problem just got worse! Our living room is being overtaken by baby things now! We have her full size swing (that I would be lost without because she falls alseep in it all the time), her vibrating rocker chair, bumbo seat, a milk crate full of toys, jumperoo, and her play mat all residing in the living room. Plus our two couches, tv, tv stand, coffee table, side tables, a desk, desktop computer, cumputer chair, book shelf… and I think that’s it.

Here’s a visual of our living room:

We feel so cramped!

Why does there have to be so much cool baby stuff??

I guess I just have to get used to it!

 

Yes, we’re all aware of this.

Fall is here. It happens every year…

D & C on Wednesday…

Wednesday I have to have a D&C. Apparently there is still stuff inside me from when I had Madison. That’s why I was bleeding for 12 weeks straight post partum. I still bleed sometimes but it stops and starts now.

I have to go under anesthesia. I used to like anesthesia because for once I didn’t have to try to fall asleep, I just did. But now, it scares me.

They always warn you that you might die. Death is one of the risks.

I know it is very rare and extremely unlikely to happen, but I can’t help worrying about it.

All I can think is about is me not waking up from it and my little girl not having her mommy anymore. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I can’t leave my her alone in this world. Of course, she will have her Daddy, but I can’t even fathom not being able to hug her and kiss her, and I don’t want to think about her waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night without me there.

So I will say a special prayer to God to please, please keep me safe on Wednesday…

Missing home

I moved out about 3 years ago. I guess it would still be considered moving out even though I only moved next door to my parents, into the attached apartment that they used to rent out.

For a while I was really excited about it. I got to decorate it my own way, buy my own furniture, come and go as I please. I bought a dog. I got to be alone a lot, which I liked.

But after a year or so, I started missing my old bedroom. Not really the house, just my old room. With my old twin bed pushed up against the wall, my Ikea desk in front of the window, all organized the way I liked it. My pretty dresser with my tv on it. My nice pink carpet. I used to love rearranging my furniture. I would spend hours planning out how to move things around, how to reorganize things, and cleaning everything as I went.

And now that I have a baby, I find myself missing it even more. Because before, I could have moved back home if I wanted to. My room was still there for me. It’s their for me now, but I have a new life now. I have a baby, I have a husband, I have a dog. I’m stuck over here.

I don’t know why I miss it so much or what I can do to make myself feel better. I hate it.

Most of the time, I just wish I could go back to the way things used to be.

I feel like I’m on a fast moving train, getting farther and farther away where I was, and there’s no stops in sight.

“Me Time” is after midnight now…

Pretty much the only time I have to myself now is after midnight. Madison doesn’t like taking naps. She takes like 3 or 4 twenty minute naps a day, if that. She’s never been a good napper. So basically I have to wait til after she goes to bed at night before I can do anything for myself.

Why does she go to sleep so late, you ask? Because we had been getting up late. Like around 10:30am. But I’m trying to push forward her bedtime because I’m going back to work and have to get up early. So hopefully if she gets up earlier, she will go to bed earlier.

So, for “me time” last night I dyed my hair at 12:30am. And the whole time I was constantly checking the baby monitor to make sure she wasn’t squirming and waking up. It would have sucked to have to try to put her back to sleep with my hair half-dyed. Thankfully though,  she stayed in dream land.

I’ve been dying my hair way too much. I’m very impulsive. I think of something I want to do and I just do it, without thinking about it.

Actually, that’s kind of how I got myself a daughter…

But anyway, I’ve decided to leave my hair alone for a while. Or, try to leave it alone. I want to get my natural color back, which is like a dirty blonde.

I wonder if hair dye ever actually completely washes out? Or do I just have to let it grow out?

Another blog…

I thought of the title “mommy needs crack” for a blog and I just had to have it before anyone else thought of it. So I scrambled over here to wordpress, paid $17 to register the domain name, and here I am.

I’m not sure what I’m going to use this blog for yet. I did spend a few hours looking through themes, trying to find one I liked, while my baby slept on me. I looked at a lot of the ones from other sites but I’m not sure how to go about installing it on my site. Then I decided first things first and that I need to figure out how wordpress even works before I venture on into anything else.

Who knew I would ever have time to blog again? With a three month old, I still barely have time to shower.

I just recently started being able to put her down in her crib awake at bedtime. She watches the mobile, talks to it (or to herself) and drifts off in about ten minutes. It used to take me upwards of 2 hours to put her to sleep every night. I would dread it every time. But, thankfully, it’s gotten sooo much easier.

So now my free time is after 12am. Yes, she doesn’t go to be until around 11pm or 12am. I’m trying to get her to bed earlier, but lets be realistic. The earlier she goes to bed, the earlier she gets up, which means the earlier I get up, which the means the less sleep I get.

I need my sleep.